Love Is A Decision by Gary Smalley

Author:Gary Smalley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 2012-05-01T16:00:00+00:00

9

Meaningful Conversation:

Life-giving Water

to a Relationship

Most people take rain for granted—but not farmers. One of the most powerful black-and-white pictures I’ve ever seen is that of a dust-bowl farmer. He had waited over a year for rain, and now at last he had a chance. His face was turned up to the sky as the desperately needed rain poured down and mingled with his tears.

Every time I see this picture, it calls to mind what happens in many homes. In a marriage, meaningful words are like those raindrops. They can bring life-giving water to the soil of a person’s life. In fact, all loving and meaningful relationships need the continual intake of the water of communication, or they simply dry up.

How many couples have I counseled who after fifteen or twenty years of marriage say, "What went wrong? Why is our marriage over?" Time after time, even casual conversation will show that instead of building a spring of consistent, meaningful conversation, they let the well run dry of encouraging words.

If that is the case—if meaningful, intimate conversation is like much needed water to a relationship—why is husband/wife communication often so difficult? Why do couples often learn what not to talk about, rather than what to talk about?

All too often encouraging words fall as infrequently as a dust bowl storm. Why? There are at least four natural roadblocks to meaningful communication that typically seem to emerge after the wedding day:

Roadblock # 1: Emotional Mind-Reading—

or "Please Give Me a Clue!"

Because of a woman’s natural sensitivity, nine times out of ten she will be the first one to spot a potential problem in a relationship. However, the problem can be so "obvious" to her that she can legitimately think, Surely my husband is alert enough to see what the problem is. I’m not going to embarrass him by having to draw him a map.

Yet, that’s the very thing most men need! Give a man a road map of what issues are important to discuss, and often he’ll be motivated to talk about them. But expect a husband to "sense" the subtleties (or even bold realities) of a marital or family concern, and often he won’t see it as clearly.

Time and time again, I’ve been thankful for Norma’s willingness to point out the "obvious" I’ve overlooked.

"Did you notice that Greg was acting a little down at the dinner table tonight?" she might ask.

"No, I didn’t notice."

"Don’t you think you ought to talk with him?" she’d persist.

"About what?" I’d ask. Like most men, I’m motivated to talk about facts. So far, Norma has been cluing me in on "feelings" and nonverbal behavior she’s sensed that I’ve missed. I need "facts" to get really motivated about a conversation.

At this point, Norma could give up, throw up her hands and either go in and talk with Greg herself or chalk up another mark in the insensitivity column for me. But her love—and her knowledge of how to motivate me to communicate—doesn’t let her stop here.

"Gary, I’m not sure if it’s school, or the girl he’s dating, or exactly what it is.

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